11:51 PM, Nov 5, 2004
tagged with dotw
I have decided that this column has been overly biased against beers that most people know. I haven't reviewed beers that are regarded by many as the "beers of the people." So, for all you macrobrew fans, this week is for you.
I met up with Josh and Sadie at Josie Ann's, for happy hour, and after a spirited glass of PBR, I informed Robin the friendly bartender that I was in the market for some shitty
beer. Four minutes later, I had a very light yellow glass of Michelob Ultra grinning up at me with a low-carbed grin. Josh joined me for moral support. Sadie was of no such mind.
The beer, when I first tasted it, surprised me. I expected it to be bad, but man, this stuff makes me want to go and turn myself in at the police station. It was so bad that I made a nasty face without even noticing it. Two sips into it, I decided this beer didn't need to be relished and examined. It had to end. You can't polish a turd, they say. So, I chugged it down in three gulps, suffixed by one of the worst pouty baby bitter beer faces I have ever contorted my face to.
And here's the thing: I wasn't happy it was over. I was pissed. I was pissed that this stuff is as abundant as it is, and that people still order it at bars. It is anything but pleasurable to drink. I would classify the experience as one of mild torture. Yet, people drink this swill to reward
themselves for a good workout. If this is how I'm supposed to reward myself, then I must really hate
me. Here, you can see how unforgivably yellow and fizzy this beer is, compared to such a premium beer as Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Desperate to get the terrible taste out of our mouths, we scurried over to Jilly's and got some real beer.
Ratings (out of ten):
Flavor: 2 (So bad that I wish I could undrink it, and unlive the moment.)
Body: 1 (It actually has an aftertaste that's somehow worse
than the flavor. One thought enters the mind when this beer enters the mouth: get it the hell out of your mouth!)
Aroma: 2 (Are you kidding? It smells like, I'm not kidding, excrement.)
Smoothness: 1 (I would drink this beer again, but only for monetary gain.)
Price: 0 (I can't believe they wanted money for me to help them unload this sin against tastebuds. Even more amazing to me is that this is a successful beer. I guess it just goes to show that you can convince people to put anything in their mouths, as long as you have millions of dollars in your ad campaign.)