I had a second date last night. I had a really good time, and it seemed to me that she did too, but as I walked her to her door I asked her if she'd like to go out again, and she launched into what seemed to be something she'd been practicing, about how she just wanted to be friends. It felt like a punch in the stomach, like getting thrown into cold water, like being slapped in the face. I've been numb since then.
Unable to muster anything but an expressionless face, I went home, and saw that it was only 10pm. So I called Nick, and wound up interrupting some quality time he'd previously arranged with Anna and his sisters. But even so, he dropped everything to come and get a beer with me, and listen to me vent about the situation. Nick is one of the people because of whom I am glad and proud to live in Kansas City.
So, now I've gone from smitten to injured. Everything seemed to be going really well, and then in an instant it just disappeared, with no warning at all. All I can think of is that she never had any interest at all, and just never could bring herself to rebuff my overtures. I don't know. Maybe I freaked her out with my interest, which I tried very hard to restrain. But here's the thing. I never just kind of like a woman. I either really like her a lot, and imagine us together and all the stupid cheesy details, or I don't feel even the slightest bit romantic about her.
It's not a conscious decision. Just something inside me puts all my chips in when I decide I like a woman. I can't explain it. I set myself up for these situations, and for some reason that doesn't really bother me, despite how I feel now.
Buckup, keep your chin up, and keep putting yourself out there.
11:36 AM, Sep 11, 2008